Congratulations on being a piece of shit...

As part of my job I sometimes have to take on tasks that other people (whose job it actually IS) are too busy to do. I consider this a favor and/or going above and beyond. I am a helper. Generally this means that from that point on they consider it MY job, when it's not, and I continue to do it because I am a hard worker. For the last few weeks this has meant bringing things to a certain part of my building and setting them up for testing. Now, this certain part of my building is generally overseen by a different department, so to be respectful I sent an email asking permission to use this area, even though the person couldn't REALLY tell me no. Like I said, RESPECTFUL. I finished the testing, and a few days later got more products to do this to. Again, I sent another email letting the person know what would be going on. However, this time I went down to do the testing two days later and all 20 of my products were missing? Where did they go? I searched the building, and asked the crew guy where on earch 20 of these products could have run off to, given that they don't actually have legs. I was told by the crew guy that the person who runs the part of the building I had been testing them in asked them to be moved to a different area because he 'didn't want them there'. I told this person that they needed to be tested, and today around 9:30am the crew guy helped me move them back to that part of the building, on a table out of the way, where I had originally been designated space to test them. I ran into the person that oversees that area around 3:00pm and let him know I would be up to unpack and test them soon, just so he could tell me that he moved them... Why? Because that is not storage. I AM NOT USING IT AS STORAGE. I AM USING IT AS TESTING. THAT IS WHY I FUCKING EMAILED YOU THAT I WOULD BE TESTING THEM. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? So I go to that part of the building and see that they have been dragged off of the table in the corner of the room, down the aisle, by the door. WHY? Is being a fucking asshole really worth hauling 20 products across the floor? Do you get a fucking thrill by wasting your time to be a dick head? So I, of course, not only complained about it loud enough for him to hear, I went back into that area, I dragged them all back to the table, I unpacked them, and now they are testing. I then sent a COPY of the original email back to that person and stated that in this email I told him I would be testing them and got no complaint, and that they are now testing and I will be back down to get them when they are done. I also copied some 'higher ups' on the email because guess what? I can be an asshole too. And it takes a lot less effort to send an email than it does to drag 20 products across a room. I would love to see how you reply to the email where the person who told me to do the testing is copied. I bet you won't. Don't fuck with me.

On another note... I spent most of the day with a coworker cleaning and organizing our product storage space. We discovered that a particular person ordered 19 of the exact same product, which my coworker stacked side by side on a 6 foot wide shelf that is 8 feet high and has 4 total shelves. She then took a picture of this and asked the person if we really need all these, to which the answer was yes. They are humidifiers. They are all the exact same humidifier. Is there some fucking emergency DRYNESS coming to wash over our area that is going to make you personally responsible for the moisture in every fucking bedroom in the United States of America? Get a fucking grip.

Now I'm going home to take a fucking bubble bath, drink a lot of wine, lie with my dog, and read a book. I need to start biking seriously if I'm every going to lower my stress levels. Unfortunately my husband has a hockey game all night and I don't venture out alone in the trailer trash section where my house is located. As McDonald's would say "I'm Lovin' It". On a sidebar the new slogan should be "I'm seriously fat as fuck", but that doesn't seem to market as well now does it?

Bye.

Fucking White Trash...

Why we moved into this new place I'm still trying to figure out. The house is nice inside, the yard is fenced in, we don't have to constantly watch the dog, and we can play movies as loud as we want.

That being said, there are little shits that live up and down the street and annoy the hell out of me. JUST now they threw something over their fence against the side of our house because apparently the yard between the side of our house and their fence is a fucking trash pit. We have been cleaning it out constantly, and as I'm sitting on the couch trying to get fat and eat my ice cream in peace I have to hear something bang against the side of our house? Are you fucking kidding me?

Every neighbor in a 5 mile radius is a fucking 40 year old grandmother with a 20 year old daughter who has at least 2 kids, usually one being over 5 years old. Way to break the cycle guys! And guess what? When you're missing teeth you don't make it on to MTV so you did it for nothing. No one even likes these kids, they're outside with their parents probably hoping someone will take them because not even the biggest pervert wants to put up with that shit for some fun.

We get bikes left right in front of our driveway. I keep telling my husband to run them over, but he's nice enough to bring all their shit back to their driveway and drop it behind the mother's car. The mother, of course, usually just kicks it off to the side and backs out anyway.

The other day I caught one of the boys jumping my fucking fence to get a ball so he could play with my dog. I'm sorry, but stay the fuck out. I don't need my dog somehow getting your AIDS.

Why.Do.People.Have.Kids?

I have a serious question here...

What the fuck is with the overload of these QR codes on EVERYTHING? I mean, literally, everything.
58% of people who scan them are over the age of 35.
51% of people who scan them have a Household Income over $50,000.
64% of those that scan them are women.

Given this information. What over 35 year old woman who makes at least 50K dollars a year is scanning the QR code on a fucking bunch of bananas? Or a container of cherry tomatoes?

Honest to God... if you want bananas, aren't you just going to pick up the fucking bananas and buy them? It's like $2.00 for 6 damn bananas. Are you really going to stand in the fucking aisle near the banana bin scanning the QR code? If you are, is that information really going to sway your opinion of the banana? How many different kinds of bananas does the grocery store really have? Who gives a rats ass? Why are you scanning that? You are a waste of time. It's a fucking banana. You peel it and you eat it. End of story!

I've Missed You...

Let's start with today, because I like to work in reverse-

It's Friday (finally), I'm NOT at work (thankfully), and my pup is running around my yard (playfully). Enough of that? Okay.

I didn't get out of bed until around 10:30 - I needed some seriously sleep. You should also know that last night I went to bed at 8pm and don't remember falling asleep so it probably happened pretty quickly. But I guess mixing wine and anti-anxiety meds can do that do you. ANYWAY, I'm up and I'm blogging on my deck at the table we got from my husband's parents because they moved into a condo that had no room for it. This was easily a $1000 set with a grill in the middle and a propane tank space underneath. Someday I want to have the money to buy stuff like this and not feel bad about giving it away less than a year later. 

I started this morning off with a shower, because i'm not gross and I do, indeed, believe in hygiene. After that I got dressed, went back down to the bathroom and blew my nose. Surprisingly I hadn't sneezed yet, but given my level of allergies and the fact that it is a nice day out I figured I would be proactive. I had recently finished an older bottle of Walgreens brand Zyrtec (I got it for free at a Trade Show and I'm surprised at how well it works... I was an avid Claritin user; but hey.. when it's free) however, opening a new bottle was a challenge in itself. I broke the seal with my (recently manicured) nail and then proceeded to push down and turn. Nothing. I tried this for about 5 minutes before i went and opened my dog's bottle of Claritin and just took one of those. Oh yeah, my dog has allergies. Love him. But seriously, I have to ask... how strong are the children you are defending your medicines against. I can see it on Vicodin/Clonazepam/Oxycodone, etc... but who is going to OD on Zyrtec? If I can't open it, it's too damn much. For chrissake. 

After I gave up and took my dog's medicine (I'd like to clarify that it is actually human Claritin, it's just that I bought it specifically for my dog because Zyrtec hasn't been approved for animal use yet) I decided to blow dry and straighten my hair. I'm not sure why, I don't do it when I HAVE to go to work. Maybe that's why? Fuck the man and all that shit. So I straightened my hair after drying it but didn't want it on my face. Unfortunately, I just spent 5 minutes straightening it and I didn't want to put it in a ponytail with an elastic because then i'd have the hideous elastic line. Yes girls, it's hideous. No girls, it does not look like 'natural waves' so stop fucking doing that. I pulled my bag of clips out of my closet already knowing it was going to frustrate me, but trying anyway. I have this problem where I have a LOT of hair. I have another problem where each strand is very fine. Dilemma? Small clips cannot hold ALL of my hair. Large clips allow many fine pieces to slip out at the turn of a head or a bounce on a bump in the road while driving. This is insanely annoying. Long story short, my hair is currently in my face. Fail.

That is today so far. I have to try and return a pair of pants I bought at Walmart in February today because I got them for my 2nd job, which I recently quit and NEVER wore them. Clearly I'm past the 30, 60, or even 90 day return policy but I'm hoping that if I tell them i purchased them for a new job, ended up in the hospital for the last few months, and couldn't find time to return them, they might be sympathetic. Yes, shameless liar. But if any giant chain store deserve it, it would be Walmart. Besides I can use the store credit for candy and shit. I'm poor as fuck. God dammit. Either way, I'll let you know how it goes. The dialogue is bound to be either a)hilarious or b)incomprehensible so it should be a good story either way.

Alright, so for the past week I have been prepping and attending meetings for my job. I would like to start off on a positive note by saying that I love my boss. She is really a great person and I could not be more excited for my bonus check on Tuesday. Granted.... I won't be able to buy anything with it, but it should replenish the savings account that is virtually nonexistent right now. So yay me!

About these meetings- I went to take notes. Yes, notes. For three days, on 10 different discussions. At the end of each day my notes were 12-14 pages long and I am pretty sure that no one will read any of it. I was informed that never in the past has anyone taken notes for these meetings, but hey.. since i was there, why not? Maybe I'll be the reason that more of the things they talk about actually come to fruition? I know, right? Smarten up. 

One of the presenters pronounces all ending D's like they are T's. How do you get through your entire life doing this? It was not TESTIT, it was TESTED. So please, PLEASE, stop saying that. You are driving me crazy. 

The room these meetings was in was freezing, FREEZING. I went to the store and bought two new shirts just to like nice in something different from my every day wardrobe and do you know what? No one has any idea if I looked nice or not because my jacket was on nearly the ENTIRE time. I have never had so much Hot Chocolate or Tea in three days. Do you know why I did? JUST TO HOLD THE WARM CUP.

Not to mention, all the free meals were carb. central. For someone attempting the Atkins diet, this is a problem. I did, somehow, manage to lose another .6 pounds though, so I'll take it. When I started this diet I weight 148 pounds. I'm 5'8" so it's by no means FAT but I have a gut I wouldn't put in a bikini and since summer is rapidly approaching I thought I'd finally try to do something about it. I had lost 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks (I'm slow.. I know), and was down to 138. After three days of bagels, yogurt, granola, sandwiches, two slices of cake, and croissants (I have no willpower) I was quite sure I'd be pack at 148, if not surpassing it. I was surprised to weigh myself this morning and find the scale stopping at 137.4. Congratulations to me, sort of. Now I need to start exercising. Speaking of which, there was one good thing that came out of those meetings! I sat next to a gentleman I work with and he advised me that there is a beautiful bike trail that spans several counties and starts in MY TOWN. I had no idea, but I will certainly be taking advantage of that. Yessssss!

On the last day of presentations however, I may have been overtired and cranky (not 'may have been', i definitely was) this guy was getting on my nerves. I do not want kids. I am selfish. I understand why people DO want kids, but I don't. Nothing they represent is worth all of the time, money, and responsibility to me. I am also willing to accept that I am young, and may, in 20 years, change my mind. But as of right now, and for the next 6 years of foreseeable future, there is NOTHING about children that makes me pine for them. WHY is this something that people cannot accept? When someone tells me they WANT kids, I never say OMG YOU WON'T WANT KIDS, THEY ARE AWFUL, YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND. BELIEVE ME, I WAS THE SAME WAY, AND YOU WILL NOT WANT THEM SOON. So why is it that when people find out I do NOT want kids I have to hear them say (EVERY TIME) 'Oh, you'll change your mind. They really mean a lot to your life once you have them. You're still so young and don't really know what you want. Eventually you'll want a family, and kids will be a big part of that.' Shut.The.Fuck.Up. Since when did discussing the prospect of kids become just as annoying as religious debates? To each their own. Yippie Ki-Yay! (Yes, that is a die hard reference because I'm hard core).

Another piece to my awful last day of presentations was that this same guy decided he needed to leave early, putting my computer in charge of the powerpoints. He hooked all the wires into my laptop and told me I was all set. ALL.SET. As the last presenter gets to his first video, I press play, make it full screen, and sit back. What happens? NO.SOUND. Why is there no sound? He set everything up for me, why wouldn't their be sound? What was going on? So for what felt like an hour (about 3 minutes) I was fumbling around with some 'mixer audio box' and three cables trying to figure out what he did. He plugged the output cable into my headphone jack, and he hid the mixer box in the podium by our table. What didn't he do? He didn't plug the box into the wall. So I find the end of the plug, and the presenter plugs it into the wall. Still no sound! Now what? I see another cord on the ground, this one with a strange metal attachment. I look at the cord plugged into my laptop and make the connection. So what else didn't he do? He didn't plug the other end of the cord from my headphone jack into the output hole of the mixer. Day saved! Face red! Presentation continued. Remind me to thank him for that graciously.

On a last note, I have been obsessed with Carrie Underwood's new album 'Blown Away'. If you know anything about me, you know that I am not a huge fan of country. But since I like songs for the lyrics, and Carrie Underwood is one vindictive bitch, she really speaks to me. I mean this in the best way possible. I recommend the song 'Two Black Cadillacs'. 

Thank y'all and have a good afternoon!

Dear Insurance Company...

I just have to know why you insist on charging me $5.00 every month to receive a paper bill? I changed over to paperless billing with automatic withdrawal, WHICH I HATE, specifically to save paper (and money, who am I kidding?). However, not only do you fuck with my head every month by changing my withdrawal amount to drag my payments out ALLLLLL the way until my policy is due to renew, you also send me 8,000 pieces of mail for every change that is made.

Change your license number? 4 pieces of mail.
Receive a surcharge refund? 7 pieces of mail.
Refund from last policy rolling into new policy? 5 pieces of mail.
Automatic withdrawal accepted? 2 pieces of mail
Paperless billing? 1 piece of mail
+ 1 new piece of mail EVERY time they change my automatic withdrawal amount.

Please, allow me to try and understand. If I want my bill in paper... you charge me $5.00 because I'm killing trees. But if I switch to paperless billing I get 19 pieces of paper in the mail? I would also just like to point out that envelopes are made of paper, which technically means you have sent me 38 pieces of mail, and that's assuming that each letter was only 1 page long, which is not the case.

That is a sick joke.

It's just gross...

Am I missing something here? I thought that work was a place where you act professional...
You know-
1) Be nice to people even though you can't stand them
2) Put up with the fact that someone can't copy/paste
3) Don't clip your nails at your desk
4) Don't hack up loogies and spit them in your trash can

Now I'm pretty sure that #4 would gross anybody out. Why, when I'm sitting at my desk, do I need to put up with the sound of you gagging and hacking up internal mucus? Is there any part of a person that says 'No, it's okay to be loud and disgusting at work, no one cares or can even hear you" ?!

I sit 8 feet away, the office is quiet, we're in cubicles with FABRIC WALLS. I do not need to hear you spitting in your trash like a goddamn baseball player. You're annoying; go home.

Are you SERIOUS?

Today is friday, so by most accounts, I should be pretty fucking thrilled right now. However, I work with people who have, apparently, malfunctioning brains.

I'd like to start off by saying: If you're 50, your job requires computers, and you make at least double the salary I make...YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO COPY/PASTE SHIT. There is no reason on God's green Earth that I should ever have to tell you how to copy/paste something. If my 70 year old grandmother can do it, you should be able to.

Secondly, using a computer mouse for EVERYTHING shouldn't be allowed. Do you know how stupid you look doing that shit? There are keyboard shortcuts, aptly named such, FOR A REASON. If you haven't mastered CTRL+C, CTRL+V yet...you shouldn't even talk to me.

I have such a hard time believing that people are totally void of these skills! Speaking of which... if you have been using computers on a daily basis for more than 5 years, you have NO excuse to still type with only your INDEX FINGERS! Are you kidding me? Do you really spend 15 minutes on every paragraph? Do you really still have to look at the keyboard? Do you really think that is acceptable? If you call me to your office and then say 'hang on, i have to finish this email' it better be a fucking joke when you start typing with just your index fingers. That shit is NOT okay.

On an unrelated note, I decided I would get lunch from Wendy's today because I didn't have time to pack anything. Yes, I woke up late, I got to work late, and I don't care...
So anyway, I got to Wendy's and I ordered a Spicy Caesar salad because I'm trying the Low Carb diet. I don't know why either... I'm not that fat. I coulddd just exercise that shit away but I'm too fucking lazy to do ANYTHING. So I got a salad. Well, of course they pack these salads, like, a week in advance so as i'm eating it I realize the whole thing is fucking watery. Is there anything worse than a salad covered in water? It dilutes your salad dressing, it makes your croutons soggy, and seriously, what the hell is a salad with SOGGY ASS CROUTONS? Shitty, that's what.

Happy day one of blogging!